A single woman’s dilemma
Goa: where good vegetables go bad
A few readers have complained that my blog has “Travel” and “Magic” but – with the exception of “Bicycles and Bare Breasts” (which is not about breasts at all) - not enough “Sex” stories.
There’s an obvious reason for this – I’m not getting any – but it’s more complicated than that. First, some history…
Ten years ago, I cycled solo through Thailand and Laos. I didn’t have sex with anyone because I had a boyfriend to whom I swore I’d be loyal. But I did see other peoples’ “sex”. A Thai petrol-seller told me about a French man who started a family with her then fled back to Europe; a Thai glass blower told be how he had many “sisters” (mistresses), and asked if I’d like to be one too?; a German woman told me a Thai man had pursued her endlessly then dumped her when she “put out”; a British man told me how easy it was to find a Thai “girlfriend” for the price of a pair of branded running shoes.
Sex is a part of a traveller’s experience, even when you’re not having any. I’ll keep my ears open for other people’s stories, but until then I figure I have one of six options if I want to experience sex before I leave.
1. Casual sex with a foreigner
This is easy: put on a hot dress, head to the tourist beach nightclubs in Baga or Anjuna and wait. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. The thing is, I was born in 1961 and turned legal in the disco era – I’ve been there, done that and really, there’s no adventure to it. It’s just tawdry.
2. Committed sex with a foreigner
This is trickier. He would have to be a long-stay visitor like myself and be similarly interested in a long-term, invested relationship. There would have to be enough chemistry and compatibility to transcend our time in Goa. But I’m open to that. Richard Branson, I await you.
3. Casual sex with a Goan
This is an issue of age as well as culture. Indian men my age are married, have let themselves go, and I don’t play with married men. A younger man is sweet, clean and handsome but if his mother finds out, she’ll pull a few strings at the immigration office and have me deported. Seriously.
4. Committed sex with a Goan
Since Indians my age are married, my only choice would be someone older, like a widower. This would be unworkable because I’m not into older men (I’ll have to get over that, eventually).
5. Casual sex with a Westernized Goan
He’s in Goa either because he’s visiting friends, family and his ancestral home (see 3), or he’s cruising tourist beach nightclubs (see 1). No thanks!
6. Committed sex with a Westernized Goan
Like (2), this is a good scenario, but difficult and requiring patience and investment. He either lives here after having built a life elsewhere; or he is a long-stay visitor who splits his time between Goa and his adopted country. France? Spain? Switzerland? Another good possibility.
Because I’m older and wiser, I’m willing to wait to have a relationship with the right person – in Goa or not. That means no nightclubs (unless it’s to hear a band or socialize with friends), no married men (you know who you are), no young men (darn) and a lot of patience.
Until then, I’ll do what I’ve always done: explore, learn, chat and – to paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert’s wonderful book – Eat, Cycle, and (eventually) Love .
[October 2009 update: Thanks to all the gentlemen who contacted me to offed their companionship in response to this post, but soon after I returned to Vancouver, I met a wonderful man who also loves to explore, learn, chat, eat and cycle.]
I’m just trying to imagine you picking around the veggie stall, looking for just the right tomato’s. Very funny. You must be ready for a love life, so keep your eyes open.
Hey! they both grew in my Vancouver garden – I KNEW this photo would come in handy sometime!
OK Bemvinda, here may be an answer to your dilemma:
He is committed, you are not.
The sex is casual, but full of promise.
He is a foreign citizen, but of Goan origin.
He is young, but separated from a nagging wife.
He is rich and has the money to do what he wants.
He is westernized and spends time in Goa every year.
Rest easy, this is not me. Just a creation of an imaginary being based on your 1 to 6.
Roland, you’re close! I AM looking for committment, and he just has to be around my age…
Ahahha – love the story! Don’t settle! Don’t! But I still remember those words you uttered to me about Ant in Belize – it was just sex. 3 years later I can’t get rid of him
Love the story!
S
Cleanly and accesibly-written. You deserve all the replies you get. What else are blogs for except communication?
Wouldn’t everyone like to have described themselves as lucidly as you have?
stanley
(This from a reader who wished to remain anonymous — UR):
“Regarding your query as to why married men in Goa (or the rest of India for that matter) are attracted to you or any other single girl, is that usually men marry the girl who has been selected by his family — he may not love her or be attracted to her, in which case he is constantly on the look out for a single young lady with whom he feels he could share joint interests (including sex). An additional factor is that you are “white” and such men love to tell stories of how they had fun with a white woman.
In Canada and most other western countries, men marry or live as partners with the girl they love or are attracted to — maybe after years of going together — so by and large they are then not interested in unattached young ladies.
This explanation may sound simplistic, but you will find that such men will not readily agree to bring their own wives to functions or parties — their wives have to stay at home, while they have “a good time” — and this seems to be accepted specially by the Hindu community where wives see nothing wrong in their husbands visiting prostitutes — in fact the whole campaign for safe sex using condoms is based on the idea that husbands will not sleep only with their wives but will have sex with a number of different women to whose medical history he has no access. “
That comment about men in India is so true …I have many such discussions with my expat colleagues who get these offers on a regular basis no matter what their age, made from their employees (drivers, handymen etc;) and random strangers on the road!
It is the concept of a ’single’ woman clad in western outfits or just western women and how they are portrayed in the media – they are easily available.
Many women in India suffer abuse on a regularly – mostly at home from their near and dear ones and have nowhere to go, no one to talk to and no financial help – so they suffer in silence. Were you sexually and physically abused as well? Is that why the angst?
You have been lucky in having the opportunity to come all the way to to Goa, your stay taken care of by family! I often wish many women in India had the same chance……I suppose they have to continue suffering the atrocities, unlike women in the West who walk out so easily on broken relationships.
Another interesting aspect of Indian women is they suffer in silence- none of this telling the whole wide world….maybe they should start screaming their problems to all and sundry. It’ll get them attention- good or bad!
Your time in India is coming to an end, isn’t it? You had mentioned you have to return for your brother’s wedding. I hope you have found what you were looking for- from your recent blog statement sounds like you are hungry for more and even more confused…..
ALL THE BEST. When you return to Canada you will have a different perspective to life, friends and your family. It might be easier to find that elusive man too!
You have edited out the bit about me having this discussion with [name withheld]? WHY? He is and and never has been afraid of others – we are stating what is the truth in India.
So, you choose to put up only what YOU want others to read? Not very truthful – if you’re editing material.
Your blog features so much about sex (as psychologists state – it’s your need reflecting there!) and men? There is a difference between sex and marriage….
When you return to Canada reflect on it.
Millions of women suffer abuse everyday- from an insulting mother-in-law, an indifferent husband and needy children. They don’t have the luxury to fly around the world and live a life of sheer freedom and independence!
Learn to count your blessings or else life will go by and you would have never enjoyed whatever you actually have. The grass IS always greener on the other side!
I have absolutely no problem with posting your perspective — that’s the whole idea of blogs! Better someone like you – an Indian resident – make observations about abuse in the country than myself, a visitor. All I can do is share my own experience — again, that’s the idea of blogs.
By the way, if you read ALL my stories, there are just two or three stories that sex, relationships, love. All the rest are about Goan people, issues, culture, environment and my experiences interacting with them (See “8 Views of Rural Journalism”) When/if I meet someone who trusts me enough to tell me about her family and abuse issues, I will share that story — again, with her permission.
In the meantime, I am working with two Goans to create a cycle organization that will promote traffic safety, city planning and cycling for health and environment. I’m meeting people in the arts community to create on cataloguing and copyrighting art. I just met with Subodh Kerkar on introducing a Sea Art Festival to Goa in April. I’m writing articles in newspapers and magazines about garbage, cycling, and NRG’s. I am taking sick kittens to the SPCA.
I’m only here a short time (6 months), but I will do what I can within my skill and ability to contribute and communicate. I write about what empassions me, while respecting the lives around me.
I’m really glad that to be able include your voice – and your passion – in the mix. Thank you.
That’s good to know that in the short while you are here- like many other foreigners who think they MUST help- and most of whom return to kushy, comfy lives and know that they will eventually go back to that- you will share YOUR perspective- which is different from reality- as most people will not open up to you.
Always remember in everyone’s eyes you are a foreigner- they see you as rich person who is here to amuse herself at the local’s expense.
As you move on, travel and live in other countries, don’t forget that you are different and are perceived as being different.
I meet foreigners all the time and have travelled enough to know that eventually everyone belongs where to their own homeland(and among their own even on foreign shores) and only accepted there- if at all!
NRI are known as Coconuts- brown from the outside and white from the inside; confused lot- don’t want to belong in India, but want all the financial and maid+driver benefits.
Chinese were called Bananas for the same reason in Vancouver!
And all Indian men, barring a VERY VERY small number, are very desi in their outlook.
I know of many Europeans who prefer to marry South East Asian women- why? Because they are more accomodating and loving and a bit servile too!
And even your Uncle (who is very modern and gives me a lot of freedom to be me) admits, that deep down inside ALL men prefer a homely woman.
I work with foreigners and have met enough like I said before, to see where you come from. Also, I have quite amused by your site. I have discussed this in detail with Aloysius and ofcourse he has not passed that all on to you- new person, relative etc he’s met after years and feels sorry for.
I have a good friend in Vancouver, who like you travels around the world on a bicycle and is a travel writer- his comments and blog read very well, simply because he does not colour his writing with his own emotions or past experiences.
You have not upset me- but amused very much….I find your stuff amusing. Like watching some Oprah Winfrey show! Which I found intially intruiging (spelling?!) as she was SO popular, till I clued in to what it was all about. Like I said, people suffer emotional/physical/sexual abuse here on a regular basis, but no one goes around screaming from the roof tops. Good or bad?
Unfortunately, learning disabilities are not recognised……..In India one is expected to be perfect I guess.
I have these amusing discussions with my expat colleagues on a daily basis – they try to understand India and her paradoxes and I their perspective!
Like one of them told another who was moaning about his life – get over it! Life is good no matter how YOU look at it. You have all your limbs, food, a roof or a room, friends and family- if you choose to keep in touch with them, health and are not struggling to keep your dignity and respect.
I had spoken to a friend just casual about my life here in India and she leapt up and said OH my GOSH you re being abused and should do something about it! OVERREACTING!!!! Hello…Americans/ Canadians take things too far. I have met people in Canada who won’t work because of a backache and fill out forms to get aid from the government. Again- ridiculous!
Frankly the system allows people to get away with all this- maybe it’s making it’s way here too! After all we are aping the west- for all the wrong things. PITY.
You really dont look like ur 48 yrs old… u look like 32…. to be more precise…
In the end, I chose option #7.
A girl friend of mine is proud of the fact that she does not have to depend on a man. She is also your age, I think you should also be proud.
Your point number one…does it apply to males too?
There seems to be a window of opportunities here, am on my way to Goa, for an assignment, this new year… ;-D
cool crisp write-up…awesome is an understatement…
Hey, I’m planning to move to Goa from Canada. Have been here since 1982. I’m 52 single (separated). Have a place in Goa. planning to retire in Goa soon just waiting to sell my house and pack. So what are my chances of meeting someone like you in Goa.
Thanks for your interest, but I have a new beau here in Canada now! That said, there are many beautiful, fun, smart women in Goa. Good luck.
i came across your blog searching for cycling. i _used to_ (:() play football daily when back home but after coming here (BITS, Pilani – Goa Campus: obviously you have heard of it, at least everyone in engineering has, i like to boast
but anyways…) suddenly all sports from my life disappeared for reasons only known to devil-kind. and now i want to start all over again. obviously that means i start with the good ol’ faithful bicycle. sad part is University policy prohibits us from keeping any forms of vehicles. so coming to THE question i have:
Q. Is there a way to rent a bicycle for the weekend? and is there a cyclists’ group in Goa?
PS: okay i admit it’s not THE questions, they are THE questions. but any help will be greatly appreciated.
Visit http://www.goacycles.org to learn more about Goa Cycle Club. They can help you find a cycle.
I have to cycles that I am willing to give on rent , if you are interested, pls call me @ 9420252108 or email me @ hazephase @ gmail.com , thanks